


Truthfully

by twrlngtokki



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 00:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30063954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twrlngtokki/pseuds/twrlngtokki
Summary: Being with Taeyong has also thought him one thing, Taeyong is not someone who easily gets down and gives up. He’s a fighter, he would cry, but never gives up. The opportunity that was laid out in front of him is too good for him to decline, Doyoung has thought, but never really questioned Taeyong more about it. As always and as promised, respecting Taeyong’s choice.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Truthfully

**Author's Note:**

> this whole fic was birthed from when i randomly stumbled upon this playlist on [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aT1-VfGnVDk) one boring day at work and a month later, my first ever dotae fic is finished. i hope i gave justice to this and i suck at tagging >_<

Doyoung tosses again, trying to find a comfortable position. He has been like this for the last three maybe four hours now, he's not really sure, he has lost count of the time. His body is physically exhausted and all he just wanted is to fall asleep, to rest, but his mind has another plan, anything but sleep.

He tries to reach the space next to him, the cold feeling of the comforter welcomes his fingers, a contrast with his warm hands, of course, he knows it and it is crazy for him to even assume it is not the cold that would welcome him. The space beside him cold, empty again just like the past nights.

Doyoung closes his eyes and lets the silence of their room engulfs him. At this time, in this place, is where he genuinely felt alone, but he is not supposed to be alone, doesn't he?

With sleep not visiting him and with nothing to do, he let his mind wander.

_"Doyoung can you stop spacing out?!" Johnny, who drinks more than what he can handle shouts as he sways to the bar's loud music on his seat. But Doyoung could not focus on his friends, he is busy eyeing this person, a couple of steps away from where he and his friends are._

_As soon as they arrived at the bar, his eyes were caught by this beautiful man, and throughout the night he seems to have trouble focusing other than the beautiful man who is now jumping and dancing with his friends on the dance floor. The man occasionally, but Doyoung is sure, intentionally grinding on one specific person, based on what Doyoung have observed throughout the night is one of the man's friend, or maybe more than that. And it kills him inside wondering about that, but he reminded himself that he should not be feeling that way, he has no right to, the man doesn't even know he exists._

_"Hey." Doyoung feels a soft tap on his back. "You haven't been drinking."_

_Kun as observant as he is is correct. He hasn't touched any drink aside from that one shot he made when they first arrived. How could he when again, his focus is on that hot beautiful man who is now giggling like crazy with his friends, he looks cute and hot Doyoung thinks to himself._

_Doyoung wonders what they're talking about, he wonders how would it feel like to have the beautiful man's breath fans on his skin. How would it feel like if their skin touches or how his voice sounds._

_"Doyoung!!" Johnny shouts as he launches him with all the weight that he has, almost stumbling both of them over, he is clearly wasted. "You promised that we will enjoy tonight and forget about how shitty life is!" He is pouting and Doyoung cannot bear it._

_Johnny is usually not a person who gets himself wasted, if there is something Doyoung is proud of Johnny it’s his undeniable strong self-control but him suffering from a breakup, is sucking all the self-control that he has on his whole system. And Johnny, as manly as he is when sober is so whiny when drunk._

_Doyoung feels his head throb a little, with a lot of people and the loud noise, he is pretty proud of himself for getting this far in the night without walking out and abandoning his friends, but he has to admit with Johnny whining, he is close to leaving them._

_Jaehyun is able to grab Johnny away from him and drags him to the dance floor, which Johnny complies, happy to have a company that has the same goal as him, to have fun tonight. Relief washes over Doyoung, at last, no Johnny disturbing him every chance he gets._

_Kun asks Doyoung if he's okay, worry painted on his face, with which he answers yes, and that despite the headache that is threatening to blossom this is the first time he feels good from when his friends literally dragged him to go with them tonight._

_Doyoung remembers that he was watching the beautiful man but when he looks in the direction to where the man was earlier before Johnny launches at him, he was nowhere in sight. Doyoung feels his inside sinks._

_Although he has no plan in approaching the man, he does not have that kind of confidence yet, he is saddened by how sudden the little bliss he has found was ripped out of him._

_He did not notice that he is making this weird face that got Kun worried again. "Hey, are you okay?"_

_"You've already asked me that Kun." He retorted._

_"I know," Kun defends, smiling innocently, "But that was earlier!"_

_"Yeah? Like a minute earlier."_

_"In my defense, you were doing some weird expression on your face." Kun is laughing now, mimicking how Doyoung looked earlier._

_"Shut up." Doyoung stands up from their table, already done with the conversation._

_"Where are you going?!" Kun shouts over the noise._

_"Outside." He answers without looking back. He hears Kun's voice saying to make sure to get back because he can't handle Johnny whining over him ditching them and Doyoung only shows Kun a thumb's up, before being engulfed by a wave of bodies._

_He weaved his way out the bar, trying so hard to not touch anybody, which is impossible with how pack the bar is, sweaty bodies bumping on him. But his mind was not on his friends, not on how loud and hot the bar is, it wonders over the beautiful man he has ever seen throughout his 22 years of existence._

_He wonders if he will ever see him again._

Doyoung sighs again. He has lost count on the number of times he has sigh from the moment his head hits his pillows until now, but he’s pretty sure it was more than what a normal person should do.

He reaches over to where he has laid his phone, on their bedside table. The screen light almost blinding him but as his eyes adjust, his wallpaper welcomes him, a smiling photo of him and Taeyong to when they first visited Disneyland, it was one of the places Taeyong has on his bucket list. When Doyoung showed him the ticket as a birthday present, Taeyong was crying and smiling so much, he can feel the happiness emanating from him Doyoung swears he would do anything to make sure Taeyong is like that all the time in this lifetime.

Aside from his wallpaper, his attention is caught by the current time, 3:34 AM, screaming, telling him how late it is and the urgency for him to fall asleep.

But he ignores everything. From his aching head to his strained eyes and his dull heart.

He opens his messaging app and as expected Taeyong did not text him, laughing a little as to how a tiny part of him still expects the other way around.

There was once upon a time when every time he opens his phone it's full of notifications from Taeyong texting him with random texts; of what he saw, what he is doing, and what he thinks. It always blows his notification, and he doesn't mind it he likes it so much, but that was before, a long, long time ago.

Once again, he sighs.

Doyoung tries to type different texts to Taeyong but before his fingertip hits send it finds the delete button first.

_"taeyong???"_

_"3 am and you're nowhere to be found?!"_

_"have you forgotten where your home is??!"_

_"you could have texted, breath and let me know you're still alive?"_

_"is 3 am your new 12nn?!"_

And after careful deliberation between his emotion and the thinking part of his brain, if there is any at 3 am, he ends up texting " _at 3 am? Aren't you supposed to be home already?"_

He holds his phone expecting Taeyong to reply but after more than ten minutes of not getting any, he sighs again and sets his phone back to their bedside table.

_Doyoung moves farther from the main entrance of the bar where no one is, in the dark. That is one thing he needs now, to be alone. He reaches over his pockets and lights one cigarette. Dragging long._

_He focuses on slowly inhaling through his lips a long, deep inhale and exhales the smoke through his opened mouth, the process relaxing him. He is so focused on trying to calm his nerves that he unknowingly consumed half of the stick._

_He is not a smoker, he usually just smoke whenever he feels jittery. That means whenever they go hang out in bars with his friends, and it's not like he consumed that whole cigarette, a couple of drags is usually enough to calm his nerves down._

_He took one last long drag before throwing the remains of the cigarette, but before he’s able to exhale the smoke, someone hugs him._

_The unexpected contact shocks him because, one, no one is near him, he made sure of that, two, he doesn't know who is the person hugging him now, he might be some killer._

_Of course, his first extinct is to shout as any normal human being would, but as he opens his mouth the man in front of him, just inches shorter than him claps his hand over Doyoung's mouth, an attempt to shut him up and mutter a whispered hush._

_If Doyoung could be honest, even with the man's hand claps over his mouth he can still easily shout but he did not because the moment his eyes lands on the stranger's face, he feels his soul leaving his body._

_The night is warm since summer just started but Doyoung’s body felt like a whole different season. His body felt like winter and his breath hitching. Even with the limited light, he was so sure who it is._

_His eyes widen, him of all people. The man he was looking from afar throughout the night is currently face to face with him with barely any space in between them. He cannot breathe._

_The man stares back at him with his big eyes. But their eyes meeting doesn't take long as the man tries to peak over Doyoung's shoulder, "God that was close." He whispers._

_Doyoung heard someone approaching them and so tries to follow who the man was looking at but is prevented by the man holding both sides of his face willing him to not turn around. His eyes widen more if that is even possible by how his eyes are already wide, "Don't look around. Let's just stay like this please, two minutes max."_

_Doyoung could only nod his head in agreement. Anything this man would ask him to do, he would do it without any questions or hesitations._

_"Thank you." His voice is music on Doyoung's ears._

_He could not believe, almost 30 minutes before, he was just fantasizing about how it would felt like if this man's breath touches his skin. How his voice sounds. How would it felt like to have his eyes meet his. He has imagined a lot of different answers for those but what he felt now is more than what he has in mind, it was more than cloud nine._

_Whoever that person behind them has now left. But for extra measure, the man tries to tiptoe over Doyoung's shoulder just to make sure the person has left._

_Once the man is somehow sure the person left, he heaves a big sigh and detaches himself from Doyoung. Doyoung wills all the self-restraint he has on his being to stop himself from reaching forward, not ready for the loss of contact._

_"What the hell was that?" Doyoung is sure he intends it to be a little calmer than how it came out, he is breathless, he sounds tense._

_He is busy overthinking his embarrassment when he notices the man looking at his right arms while making face. When Doyoung realizes he still has cigarettes he kills the light from it and throws it._

_"I was about to throw it earlier, you know before you launched yourself to me." He tries to laugh out the awkwardness but it did not help, it worsen. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, how much more can he go in embarrassing himself in front of this man._

_The man smiles and it's enough to make the butterflies on his stomach in chaos._

_"Taeyong." He mumbles, even his name suits him, Doyoung thought. "Thanks."_

_"Doyoung," He smiled as well._

_"I swear I'm not a weird person."_

_"I know?" There is something about how the whole situation that they both end up laughing the breath out of them._

_As they try to catch their breaths, right there, Doyoung knew his life changed and it will be with this man named Taeyong._

_But as sure as he is with wanting Taeyong in his life, he does not want to scare the other. "If fate permits, if it wants them to be with each other, it will make away. It will always make a way" He thought._

_Doyoung is definitely not a romanticist, all his decisions are based on facts and rational logic. But this time, he let himself be anything but logical and allows fate to works its way._

Doyoung is pulled back to reality when his phone pings with a new notification.

**Taeyong**

_this is my life, i've got to decide what i do or where i go ANYTIME_

Doyoung's forehead creases reading Taeyong's reply, he dials his number but he rejects it. He did not even pretend to not know Doyoung is calling, as soon as the second ring rings, the line was cut off.

Doyoung, even though how much he would try, could not provide a specific time or date as to when this all has started. When things with Taeyong and him get rough. All he could remember was that from sweet long thread texts it has changed to now one-lined, sarcastic replies. From almost every minute texting to ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes, couple hours, and sometimes no reply at all.

He knew it did not happen in a blink of an eye or over a day but he doesn't know how, when, or why.

**Doyoung**

_but you barely go home._

After a minute he added,

_we hardly saw each other yongie._

He does not expect Taeyong to reply in less than three minutes, that is the fastest he replied to him for weeks.

**Taeyong**

_i guess we both are busy with our own life?_

Doyoung feels betrayed by how sarcastic Taeyong's reply is, not that he does know it but he at least thought Taeyong can be subtle in his unexplainable hatred towards Doyoung asking him questions of his whereabouts. Isn't that normal for couples? To update about each other's day or be concern with the other's sake.

There are times when Doyoung can take all the sarcasm and scornful way of how Taeyong addresses him without batting an eye, but not now. Not now when his whole body and mind are exhausted, and all he just wanted to make sure is Taeyong's safety.

If Doyoung can be honest, he does not expect that time like this will come in their relationship, when every word they say to each other is full of anything but love and every time they're together, the whole place screams empty and tension.

He hesitates at first, hands hovering on his phone's keyboard, but proceeds to type and send " _i miss you_."

In which he never gets a reply. And this time, he is not sure if this is something he expected or not.

Doyoung alone on their bed with nothing to do, let his mind wander again.

_For the last two weeks, there was not a day when Doyoung did not question his decisions that night._

_It was a night that could potentially change his life but he let his irrationality takes over him and decided to be romantic and let fate pull both him and Taeyong together._

_What he did not think was what if they're not fated to be together?_

_"Doyoung!" Johnny shouts right on his ears which is enough for him to jump from his seat, almost spilling his lunch._

_"Really?!" He exclaims, "What a mature move, Johnny."_

_"In my defense, I was talking here and have my plan laid out for what? Almost thirty minutes, only to find out you were not listening?!" Johnny says in between his bites._

_"No talking when eating please."Kun reminds Johnny without looking up, too focused on his phone. A cue for Doyoung to go back to peacefully eating his lunch._

_"So are you coming later, hyung?" This time it’s Jaehyun who asks the questions._

_"Where?"_

_"See! You were not listening!" Doyoung is sure Johnny is not a whiny person but since his break up with Taeil, he becomes one and he loathes it so much._

_"Johnny." Kun's voice is stern this time, and with them being friends since high school they knew more than to not listen to him when he is like this._

_Johnny mumbles his sorry and they all went silent throughout their lunch._

_As they were walking back to their stations, Johnny links his arms with Doyoung and he knew so well what Johnny is plotting. "So are you coming?"_

_"Where?"_

_Johnny pouts but answers, "To the bar, the same bar we went to, two weeks ago." He wiggles his eyebrows knowingly and Doyoung couldn't help but narrow his eyes in suspicions._

_He knew too well what Johnny is trying to silently say, sometimes, Doyoung still question if telling his friends about Taeyong is a good thing he did, because since they knew about it, everything they wanted something to him, they would try to lure him with the fact that he probably might gonna see him._

_One time, his friends even asked him to go to this café after work, and Doyoung just wanted to go straight to his apartment, too tired with all the work he had that day. But his friends as evil as they are, were able to lure him because “we might stumble upon Taeyong”, even though they did not know anything about Taeyong aside from his name, for all they know he might not live in the same city as them and just a tourist. In the end, his friends won Doyoung did not admit it but he is desperately trying to hold on to any chance to meet Taeyong._

_"I'll think about it." Is what he answers before looking ahead trying to hide how his walls are trying to crumble with the idea of meeting Taeyong, he focuses on pretending that Johnny is not beside him. He has been wanting to go back to that bar in the hope to find Taeyong, again so desperate to any chance of meeting him._

_"You know, you might see him there." Jaehyun chirps in stating the obvious, walking on the other side of him._

_"Maybe…" Johnny is now whispering as if what he's going to say next is top-secret, not that there is anyone aside from them in the hallway. "It's destiny's way of finally meeting you both again."_

_"Again, I will consider it." He states with finality as he settles himself on his desk waking his computer up signaling that he's done talking and it's time for him to work._

_"The odds of finding him there is much greater than the odds of finding him in any part of the city Doyoung." Kun rarely talks but when he does, his words always make sense, always ring bells._

_To be fair, Doyoung was about to agree right on the spot but he somehow would not want to appear eager. He does not want his friends to know that 'for the last two weeks, all he's been thinking is when he would meet Taeyong again or whether he would even be given a chance to meet him again._

Once again, Doyoung is pulled back from reality again when his phone pings for another notification, he immediately reaches for his phone hoping it is Taeyong but his hopes are too high.

It was Haechan, Taeyong's younger brother.

**Haechanie**

_Hyung are you and taeyong hyung going home next weekend for mom's birthday??_

Doyoung thought of what to answer, at this point the future is uncertain, the next day is a mystery for him. He couldn't just say yes or no.

**Doyoung**

_i'll ask taeyong if he's not busy._

_why are you even still up?_

**Haechanie**

_i was playing games with my friends_

**Doyoung**

_haechanie, you know your hyung doesn't like it when you stay so late playing games right?_

**Haechanie**

_well, not if you would not rat out hyung!!_

**Doyoung**

_i won't_

_but you really need to go to sleep._

**Haechanie**

_says the person who is still awake!!_

_i will sleep after this round_

_why are you still awake tho, is taeyong hyung sleeping??_

_wait, did he knew i'm texting you now??_

**Doyoung**

_i'm finishing some work._

_you better sleep as soon as possible._

**Haechanie**

_i will_

_i promise_

_gotta go hyung_

_and i hope you'll be able to attend mom's bday, she will be sad if you both won't!!_

**Doyoung**

_i'll ask your hyung._

**Haechanie**

_thanks hyung!!_

_good night!_

_or good morning, whichever works best for you hahaha!!_

**Doyoung**

_good night haechanie._

Doyoung sets his phone on the table again. Talking to Haechan was such a breath of fresh air for him. He loves him and he loves their parents, and he would not want to miss their mom's birthday. But he never knows what tomorrow could be.

_The hot air and strong smell of liquor welcome them as they set foot inside the bar, Doyoung winches. Doyoung winches more as he realizes he is there in the little hope to find Taeyong again. The things he does for him, he is shocked and amused, who could have thought he can turn into someone like this because of a person he barely knows._

_"Oh my god Doyoung, can you stop doing that?" Johnny is laughing._

_"What?!"_

_"You look like you’re one step away from pooping yourself, hyung," Jaehyun answers him joining Johnny on laughing as well._

_Doyoung did not notice but he is indeed winching so he tries to relax the muscles on his face, scanning the crowd, hoping to see a familiar face._

_An hour after they arrived, Johnny becoming drunker, and drunker has once again become extra whiny. He whines with everything, from the music playing because it was not his bop, to the way Doyoung spaces out, and even to the way Kun talks. He is becoming impossible to handle as the nights grow._

_They were all laughing at Jaehyun's joke when Doyoung spots a familiar face. It's Taeyong._

_Without thinking twice, he stands up and approaches him. If his friends notice him leave he doesn't know, he is so focused on the Taeyong and how the space between them lessens with every step he takes, towards him._

_Doyoung thanks all the gods for bringing him to Taeyong and for letting Doyoung meet him tonight and in this lifetime. A lot of questions rush over his mind but “is this a sign?” is what makes him smiling like a fool._

_Just a few steps away from Taeyong, when he finally turns towards him, recognition painted on his face. Doyoung, if it was still possible, smiled more, he’s sure his cheeks are one step away from being ripped apart from too much smiling. "Hi!"_

_"Hi." Doyoung would be lying if he says he never imagine what would he say when he would see Taeyong again. During those times, he knew he would not be the same as what he had been during their first meeting but being with Tayeong now, all those practices he did vanish into thin air and suddenly he doesn't know any language._

_"Hellooo." The man from behind Taeyong beams, which Doyoung is very grateful for the distraction._

_"This is Doyoung," Taeyong says to his friends._

_"You remember me?" Doyoung is shocked and he hates himself for not being able to hide his emotions in front of him._

_"Of course!" Taeyong laughs with ease. Doyoung later found himself with Taeyong's friend which he never felt left-out with._

_Like Doyoung with his friends, Taeyong and his friends known each other way back in high school._

_Throughout the night, Doyoung has discovered snippets of facts about Taeyong. He learns that Taeyong hates smoking which explains his reaction when they first met with Doyoung holding a cigarette in his hand. Taeyong is also working in a publishing company specifically in the Fashion Department. He also found out that the person Taeyong was trying to hide from when they first met was an ex-boyfriend who is still obsessed with him, points valid though, Doyoung though, Taeyong's beauty and personality is hard to get over to._

_With all the things he discovered, he found himself liking him more than what he do before when Taeyong was just a man out of his reach._

_The night is wild, Doyoung remembers drinking shots after shots, he is sure that he's drinking more than what he could handle but his logical self did not even bother to work, he let himself be someone he's not._

_He remembers glimpses of what happened. His and Taeyong's friends shared one table, partied together, he remembered Johnny and Ten becoming besties for the night. Jaehyun being Jaehyun laughing so hard from all of Jungwoo's jokes, and he remembered Kun and his worried face but never stopped them from being wild and continued calmly discussed things with Yuta._

_Doyoung with eyes still close feels that something is different, he knows he's in his room, he can feel his velvet covers but it smells different from what his room usually smells like, he is engulfed with a fruity scent like blackberries and grapefruit. He hears a soft rustle beside him and when he opens his eyes he is welcomed with Taeyong facing him, not to mention they're in his room, on his bed._

_"Good morning," Taeyong greets him and plants a swift kiss on Doyoung's nose._

_Doyoung has been to a couple of hookups and one-night stands before but he never brought anyone to his apartment and he always leaves. He would never let the skies be painted with early morning colors without him leaving._

_He can remember a blur of what happened last night, how they both scramble at the back of the taxi to his apartment door, and how their bodies connected. How Taeyong moans with pleasure and how they drive each other to complete bliss. He is not dreaming, is he?_

_Doyoung should be shocked by the unfamiliarity of someone beside him when he wakes up, but he's not. He is even more surprised at how comforting it is despite the unfamiliar feelings._

_He even thought of being greedy and wanting this every day. But he does not want it with anybody, he wanted specifically the man he has in front of him now, smiling so sweetly._

_He is not someone who chaise people but Taeyong is an exception, he would do anything to make this man his own._

_"Good morning."_

Sunlight is peaking on his blinds, a silent reminder that he has been drowning in his thoughts for hours now. Sleep-deprived, he wills himself to stand up and face a new day, the same as how he did the past months, empty.

As Doyoung opens their bedroom door, Taeyong enters their front door. His eyes dart at the clock right above their TV, "It's 6:30, in the morning."

Taeyong follows where Doyoung is looking. "Yeah, I know how to look at the time."

"Where exactly have you been? You're out the whole night." Doyoung exhales, a long and deep one, exhausted with no energy to argue, not with Taeyong, not this early. Even though they live in the same house, they barely saw each other for the past couple of weeks, months, Doyoung lost count. Seeing Taeyong in their living room is something Doyoung is not expecting now, he is lost for words to say to him.

Taeyong since the first time they met has always made Doyoung speechless. Even when he is not doing anything at all. Doyoung loves him so much that even the ability to weave words for Taeyong fails him. Taeyong until now still never fails to make him speechless but for what reason, is not the same reason as what he has before.

"With my friends," Taeyong walk past Doyoung into their bedroom without looking at him. "I texted you earlier remember?"

"Yeah, but where exactly?" Doyoung just stands at the door separating their living room and bedroom, watching Taeyong as he opens their shared closet.

This feels so familiar for Doyoung, watching Taeyong pick out clothes from their closet. Back then, it would always be Taeyong whining about how he has no other clothes to wear as if he did not occupy more than half of their closet’s space and Doyoung reassuring him on how good he would still look no matter what he wears. Taeyong would end up pouting more but choosing something for him is so ordinary, but in Doyoung’s eyes, it’s something that makes him more magnificent.

Doyoung closes his eyes, trying to get leverage of the reality. God, he hates hose everything is so much different than what it was before, how could this even possible?

Taeyong turns around towards him with an annoyed look on his face, it pains Doyoung to see him like this. They never saw each other for days and now that Taeyong finally, finally looks at him, he has that expression, like Doyoung's sole existence, irritates him and would just want him gone. "It's none of your business, okay?!"

"I was just asking." Voice getting fainter and fainter.

"Well, you shouldn't," Taeyong said with finality in his voice. He never uses this tone before, not even when they fight, but hearing it now, is reality being slapped to Doyoung. They're both walking in thin ice, threatening to break with one wrong step.

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever." Is what Taeyong said before locking the doors to their bathroom. Locking Doyoung out, as to where exactly? Doyoung is not sure either locking him out of the bathroom or in his life entirely, he was not sure but he wished it's not the latter.

_It's been three months since the first time they slept together. And it became a routine for them; to the bar, every weekend to distress from their work; Doyoung, a fresh graduate, with the stress of the shift on his life is a little too much not to mention Johnny who is still broken-hearted and Taeyong who loves going out with his friends._

_They would always go out with each other's group of friends but in the middle of the night they would escape both their circles and would end up in Doyoung's apartment._

_They never really talk about their relationship but the routine comforts both of them. They have found comfort in each other's arms._

_One morning, Doyoung is the first to wake up, which is unusual because it always is Taeyong who wakes up first._

_He allows himself to drink up how beautiful Taeyong is. He is always beautiful, but he looks angelic like this. His long eyelashes touching his cheeks, his brows perfectly curved, his pointed nose, and his plump lips. Everything about Taeyong never fails to make Doyoung feels giddy and contented, he cannot help the smile spreading on his face thinking about him being so lucky to be able to meet Taeyong._

_Taeyong steers, eyelids fluttering open._

_"Good morning, angel." Doyoung murmurs._

_Taeyong groans as a response but smiles when Doyoung starts planting light kisses starting from his forehead to the tips of his nose, on his temples, his left cheeks then the other, and lastly his lips._

_"Do you want to move in with me?" Doyoung breathlessly asks, not sure if it's from the kiss or from the fact that he has been thinking about asking Taeyong about this for a long time now but is not sure about Taeyong's reaction. The last thing he wants is to scare him away._

_"I was waiting for you to ask me that." Taeyong pouts. "I thought you would never ask though."_

_"Really?" Doyoung is startled, he was so scared to ask Taeyong this question but he was waiting for it all along. Oh, the time they both lost just because he was scared, but he shoves that thought on the dark corner of his mind and focuses on what they have now. A whole new future with each other._

_Taeyong is about to say something but is stopped by Doyoung's lips crashing into him. It is a slow sweet kiss, like they have all the time in the world, slowly absorbing each other. Doyoung smiled through their kiss because they do, they now have all the time in the world with each other's company._

_No more looking at Taeyong's back every time he closes the door of Doyoung's apartment. No more goodbyes after an incredible night. No more empty spaces on his bed, because it will be theirs now._

_Finally, he can have what he was dying to have every day. He can wake up with Taeyong on his bed every day. He is completely aware of how uncertain the future is but he is certain that whatever it is, however dark and rough it would be, he knew he can face it with Taeyong by his side, for the rest of this journey._

_Or so he thought._

Doyoung sits at the end of their shared bed, he closes his eyes as he tries to remind himself of the times they were happy just being together on this very bed. How, even when their bedroom is small, felt so full, full of happiness and love, but it now screams anything but before. And it scares him so much.

When he opens his eyes, Taeyong came out of the bathroom, he is in his favorite fitted jeans, a white shirt, and a cardigan which Doyoung has gifted him on his 24th birthday.

"You're going out again?" He asks, if Taeyong really couldn’t bear to stay in the same place as he is, he can go, if that’s what he wants, so he can at least rest, he has been out the whole night.

"Again, it's none of your business." Taeyong simply answers, not throwing him even a single glance and annoyance clear on his voice.

“I can stay at your mom’s house today, Haechan texted me if we’re going on your mom’s birthday. I can go visit them today so I can tell her personally, I have work and can’t come to her birthday.” If Taeyong cannot take to be in the same place as him, he is sure Taeyong would definitely don’t want him on his mom’s birthday. “So you can rest here, no one will bother you.”

“You don’t have to, Doyoung, okay? Let me mind my own family!” Whatever Doyoung has said, ignites a wave of anger deep inside Taeyong and it surprises him, how harsh he sounds.

"Why are you angry at me?" Doyoung stands up and makes a futile attempt to reach over Taeyong but the other took one step backward. He does not want Doyoung to touch him or maybe in his life.

He was empty seconds ago but emotions washing over him now he feels like puking, it's overwhelming, too much for him to handle. He is confused, betrayed, angry, sad, and most importantly he is scared all at once. The little hope he is trying so hard to keep is shattered with that single step Taeyong did away from him.

"Because you ask too much," Taeyong gets back to what he was doing earlier, getting some of his clothes, methodically shoving it in his bag, a gift from Doyoung as well. “And, please do not talk to Haechan again, just ignore him.”

"I was just asking things, Taeyong," Doyoung just stands in the middle of their bedroom awkwardly. "No need to be angry or to even raise your voice."

"You have your own life, I have my own." Taeyong zips closed his bag and face Doyoung. "Which part of that you have trouble understanding?"

"Can you tell me what was the problem?" Doyoung pleaded.

"I don't have any problem. Do you?" If this is in a completely different time, he could have laughed it out, he loves when Taeyong becomes sarcastic, he always has this look in his eyes that is one step away from laughing and mad. But nothing at this moment is funny.

With no response from Doyoung, Taeyong walks past him, passes their bedroom door, and outside their apartment door. All that time, he never saw Taeyong falter, not an inch, not an indication that he is unsure of what he was doing, every step he took was with confidence, and once again it scares Doyoung. Because he is the opposite of what Taeyong is.

He is lost and everything is mushy and dark for him.

_As they haul all of Taeyong's suitcases and boxes inside Doyoung's apartment, or should he say their apartment. The reality of Taeyong moving in, living with him finally sinks in. To say he is excited is such an understatement, no words can describe how he feels at that moment._

_He silently watches the way Taeyong easily maneuvers himself around. How he perfectly fits._

_They both have differences, they're both aware of it. Like the way, he prefers to put the AC at full while Taeyong would rather like it a little warm, how he favors soft lighting while Taeyong opted for bright white light, or how Doyoung loves the strong smell of scented candles but Taeyong can't take it._

_While Taeyong is putting his things on the shelves, which Doyoung has cleared for him the other day, he notices that the space where Doyoung's scented candles were displayed before is already empty._

_Taeyong looks at the space as if trying to remember what was on that space before and Doyoung saw it so he said, "I moved them to the other room."_

_Taeyong looks at him confused, "Why? You like to light them."_

_"It's too strong for you," Doyoung answers simply as if giving up something that comforts him is not a big deal._

_"But you love them, it calms you." Taeyong pouts and Doyoung cannot help himself from closing the few steps in between them and plants a kiss on Taeyong's pouting lips._

_When their lips part, Doyoung flashes his bunny smile, which he knows too well Taeyong loves so much, "I still have my Diffuser Sticks. I can live with that." He knew Taeyong would rebut and he does the best way to stop him, he kisses him again._

_That was the start of them living together, perfectly fitting each other's puzzle pieces. They adjusted and respected each other's differences and made sure to meet halfway._

_Weeks, months, and even years pass by and they continue to live in harmony; full of acceptance, love, and trust._

At noon the sky turns dark and not long after, it starts to rain.

Doyoung, remembering that Taeyong has not brought any umbrella from when he left earlier, texts him.

**Doyoung**

_it's raining, make sure to not let yourself drench_

_did you bring any thick hoodies?_

After almost ten minutes of not getting any reply from Taeyong he decides to set his phone down and busies himself from cleaning their apartment, _Taeyong might be busy which is why the lack of reply_ , he reasons.

They have been both busy with their work, barely having any free time, and thus, they have not cleaned their apartment in a while as well.

He washes all the piled-up dishes on the sink and on the top of the counter, loads up the scattered soiled clothes to the laundry machine, dusts all the corners and shelves, and vacuums the entire floor. He busies himself in a failed attempt to stop himself from overthinking, let his body be exhausted in hopes that his mind does too, and finally be able to rest both physically and emotionally.

But of course, no amount of household chores can stop the reality of what is happening.

Hours after, when Doyoung is satisfied with how the whole apartment screams cleanliness, he grabs his phone hoping for a text from Taeyong, but there's none.

Deep inside, he knew they have a bigger problem that needs to be discussed. And when he says discussed, it's a serious deep talk with none of them being annoyed and both of them pouring their hearts out. They need a deep conversation, where they would let themselves be vulnerable and let out everything they hide in the dark part of their hearts and mind. They both need to be honest.

But is he ready?

The answer is clear as their newly cleaned glass windows, he's not, and he doesn't think he will ever be.

He texts Taeyong again.

**Doyoung**

_make sure to keep yourself warm, don't catch a cold_

_please be safe_

He types I love you but deleted it before sending it. Instead, he sent his _"i miss you",_ before shutting his phone off.

_Even with how busy they are with their works, they would always find time to when they would talk and enjoy being with each other's company._

_One night with Taeyong in Doyoung's arms in their bed, he thought of how lucky they are. With millions of people, where one can easily be lead to the wrong people, the world has led them both to each other. Doyoung is sure that they’re both right for each other, they have proved that for the past year on their relationship, and they will continue to prove it through this lifetime. He is sure._

_"Yongie?" He whispers, to not wake up Taeyong in case he is already asleep. Doyoung, aware of how much Taeyong has been working overtime for the past two weeks, knows he deserves to rest as much as he wants._

_Taeyong hums in response an indication that he is awake, Doyoung sighs in relief._

_"Thank you." As the words left his mouth, he realizes how he genuinely means it. He is thankful to find Taeyong in this lifetime and for choosing him. He is thankful for Taeyong's existence._

_Taeyong lifts his head from where it is securely tucked in Doyoung's arms to look at him with his lazy eyes, "That was random." He giggles a piece of wonderful music in Doyoung's ears._

_"I know," He smiles and nuzzles Taeyong's fluffy hair. "But I'm serious, I'm very thankful for you."_

_Doyoung feels Taeyong adjusting himself so he could squeeze himself on the crook of Doyoung's neck, half of his body on top of him, "Well, thank you for finding me on that dingy bar."_

_They both laugh. "God, I really love you, Lee Taeyong."_

_"I really love you too Kim Doyoung."_

_They are engulfed with silence; their breathings the only music they hear, but Doyoung couldn’t ask for more. He is more than happy to be able to hold in his arms, the person that completes him._

_"I can't imagine life without you," Doyoung whispers, breaking the silence._

_"You don't have you." Is the last word he hears from Taeyong as he breathes evenly, sleeps engulfing him._

_"Good night, baby." Doyoung kisses Taeyong's forehead before closing his eyes, allowing sleep to devour him with Taeyong in his arms. "God Taeyong, I love you so much."_

Doyoung is woken up by their front door creaking open, he did not notice that he had fallen asleep on their sofa. He feels his head spin as he sits up but his focus is not on the building headache but on the man standing in front of the door, he looks at Taeyong who is shocked to see him.

"Why are you sleeping in there?" Taeyong asks as he removes his shoes and slips on his slippers. For a moment, Doyoung thought he saw the concern on his face, but he doubts it, he might not just seeing things right as he just woke up.

"I fall asleep here, I was just sitting earlier." Doyoung answers. "Have you eaten?"

"Yeah," Taeyong responds before closing the door to their bedroom separating him from Doyoung.

Doyoung thought of whether to follow into their room but decides not to, too afraid; of what, he again, is not sure, it could be rejection, confrontation, his own emotions taking over him, of Taeyong, or with everything.

_Living with Taeyong for a year and a half now, Doyoung can say, it definitely is the best time of his life._

_Sometimes, it still shocks him as to how easy their lives fall into their right places, they have met in between, and created a life where both of them coexist with happiness, trust, and pure love._

_They have adjusted and understood each other no matter how small or big it is; unspoken habits were established._

_Like the way, they would let the other know if one of them can't go home or if anyone is going home late, either by calling or texting the order, sometimes, just to be funny Taeyong would email him._

_One night, Doyoung has this big project and is so busy with the deadline he completely forgets to inform Taeyong that he would be coming home late._

_As Doyoung enters their home, his eyes automatically dart at their wall clock, it reads 3:47 am, as his eyes adjust, he sees Taeyong sitting on their living room floor, laptop open on top of their coffee table._

_"Why are you still up?" Doyoung settles beside Taeyong wrapping his arms around him. "I miss you."_

_"Why are you so late?" Taeyong whispers, Doyoung is sure betrayal can be heard from that five words and he felt his heart sink, the last thing he wants to do is hurt Taeyong._

_"I was finishing all the reports for our deadline tomorrow." Doyoung looks at him straight in the eyes but Taeyong looks at anything but Doyoung's, "I'm sorry."_

_"You could have texted me." Taeyong is now looking at him and it pains him, to see Taeyong’s eyes silently crying hurt and that's when realization downs him, he was so busy with all the reports he forgot to tell him he's coming home late, he did not even check his phone, "I wouldn't mind if you come home late Doyoung, I know you have work."_

_"Oh my god, Taeyong, I'm so sorry." He is scanning all the text Taeyong have sent him for the last couple of hours and no reply from him, not even one, he felt awful and the least he can do now is to hug Taeyong, "I'm really really sorry, I was so busy I forgot to check my phone."_

_"I was scared." Taeyong is not able to hold it anymore, tears start falling upon his cheeks, Doyoung hushes him and wipes his tears, but it won't stop._

_Doyoung knows that Taeyong is a worrier, he would worry even with simple things. And to think that he was not able to reply to all his texts throughout the night, he couldn't imagine how Taeyong have worried, a lot. So all he could do now is to enclose him in his embrace and assure him that he is there and that he will never forget to text him next time. Promising to Taeyong and to himself to never let this thing happen again._

_"I promise to not do this again, I'm really sorry."_

_"I'm sorry as well for worrying too much and for crying," Taeyong said in between sobs._

_"It's okay now baby," Doyoung kisses his temples. "It's been a long night, let's get you to bed."_

_He knew how fragile Taeyong as a person is. Sometimes, it scares him, how he has this kind of effect on Taeyong, but it always is overpowered by how much he loves._

_Taeyong nods and Doyoung lifts him to their bedroom._

_Doyoung has also found out throughout the ten months of being with Taeyong, how precious he is. Taeyong cries whenever he's sad and he even cries when he's too happy. Anything too much for him to handle, a positive or negative emotion he seeks an outlet to let it come out, he cries and lets himself be vulnerable. And Doyoung swears to protect him, no matter what._

_Doyoung has promises to never let Taeyong worry because of him and to never let Taeyong cry because of him._

_Will he ever hold on to that promise? He will do his best._

Doyoung is deep in his thoughts when he feels a looming figure in front of him. Looking up, he saw Taeyong standing, looking straight at him and it sends shivers throughout his whole body, how cold Taeyong's stares are like he is a completely different person. He is not the Taeyong he loves, who has angelic and innocent eyes, anything but what he is now.

He has bags under his eyes an indication that he hasn't gotten any sleep.

Despite how tired his eyes look, Taeyong has taken a bath and did not even bother to dry his hair some water still dropping to the floor and his shirt. But he still looks immaculate, Doyoung has to admit, living with him just proves how Taeyong never experiences an ugly pace in his life.

"You're going out again?" Doyoung asks as he is not in his pajamas and is rather wearing jeans and his favorite black long sleeves.

"We need to talk." If his stare is cold, his words are artic.

"We can talk about that tomorrow, you need to rest now, Taeyong." Doyoung stands up and made an attempt to go inside their room, an attempt to stop the conversation.

"No, we need to talk about it now," Taeyong said with finality that makes Doyoung stops, his fingers wrap on their room's doorknob. He did not dare to look back.

"We can't run away from this forever, Doyoung."

"It's late, you're tired."

"Can't you see? We're drifting and drifting apart," Taeyong whisper, "Between us is miles of loneliness and emptiness, we never thought would exist."

"Taeyong please, stop it." He closes his eyes as if closing it would stop all the pain.

"No, Doyoung," Taeyong continues. "If… if we don't do something, the scar will dig deeper and deeper."

"That's not true," He just wanted to run away, run away from everything, from all this mess, from Taeyong.

**_Taeyong_ **

_baby_

_what time will you be home?_

**_Doyoung_ **

_i'll be home by seven_

**_Taeyong_ **

_i'll prepare dinner!!_

**_Doyoung_ **

_did something good happen?_

**_Taeyong_ **

_it's a secret!!!_

**_Doyoung_ **

_hahahahaha_

_i'm starving_

_can't wait to eat with you!_

**_Taeyong_ **

_See you then!_

**_Doyoung_ **

_i love you baby_

**_Taeyong_ **

_i love you more_

_As Doyoung steps foot on their apartment, he smells Taeyong's cooking and closes his eyes to absorb it all._

_"You're late," Taeyong shouts from their kitchen._

_"Twelve minutes late, baby." He snakes his arms around him, comfort blossoming inside him. "If I'm starving earlier, I'm famished." Planting tiny kisses on Tayeong's cheeks and neck, which earns a laugh from him._

_"Get change then and I'll set up the table." Doyoung nods and went straight to change._

_They were in the middle of their dinner when Taeyong drops the bomb._

_"You were offered?" Doyoung asks dumbly._

_"Yes, it's a one-year internship for one of our sister companies based in London."_

_"But it will have a chance to be a permanent one?"_

_"It's not even a guarantee." Taeyong points out, a blush forming on his cheeks._

_"But it's a year?" Doyoung has now forgotten the food in front of him._

_He knew how passionate Taeyong is in his work, he has worked hard for this, to be where he is now. But the thought of being away from him for one year and the possibility of Taeyong staying in there for good scares him, he doesn't know where he will fit in Taeyong's life._

_Despite this, Doyoung's love for Taeyong and him wanting Taeyong to grow won._

_"That will be a very good experience for you, baby!" He said smiling._

_"It's okay with you?" Taeyong’s eyes widening, he looks like a puppy that wants something, and Doyoung likes how cute he is whenever he has this expression. "I mean I will be, if ever I accept it, away for a year."_

_"That's just a year, Taeyong," He stands up and will Taeyong to stand up as well. "We have a lifetime to be together, and it's a perfect chance for you to grow as a writer."_

_Taeyong smiled at him but a tear falls from his eyes. Doyoung wipes it and hugs him. "Why are you crying!"_

_"I was just happy." His voice is muffled on Doyoung's chest. "I was scared to tell you this because you might get angry."_

_Doyoung cups Taeyong's face and whispers, "I would never cut your wings Taeyong, you're meant to fly, I will always support you no matter what."_

_"Thank you," Taeyong kisses him. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life."_

_"Me too baby." Doyoung hugs him again, Taeyong burrowed his head on Doyoung’s chest, his favorite place on earth._

_“Well, I will definitely miss the way you kiss my cheeks when you think I’m asleep in the morning, that’s for sure.” Doyoung jokingly says, which makes Taeyonng lift his head._

_“You’re awake??” Taeyong asks, horror on his face, in which Doyoung hums as an answer. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner!”_

_Taeyong borrowed his head again on Doyoung’s chest, feeling it rumble as the other laughs. “I love it. I love it more that it was you, my favorite person in the world, who’s doing it.”_

_“Whatever, just forget it happened.” Taeyong pleaded with his beaded eyes, looking up at him. God, he would really, really miss this man._

_“Never.” But at least, it will only be a year. He can definitely survive with one year._

"It was my fault." Taeyong simply says.

This time Doyoung wills himself to face Taeyong. "I don't understand Taeyong. Why?"

"I'm not happy anymore," He smiles, an incredibly sad smile. "I can't live like this and you don't deserve this as well Doyoung."

"What happens?" Doyoung chokes out those words, "When did you stop being happy with what we have, with us?"

Thousands of questions running on his mind, just the mere thoughts of it makes him breathless, but he ends up adding when he feels Taeyong has no plan in answering his previous questions, "When did you felt it?"

Looking at Taeyong hurts him and he is scared that might not be able to stop the tears that are fighting to escape the cage of his eyes, he looks up, focusing on his breathing.

Doyoung waits for him to answer. He saw different emotions on Taeyong's face and it breaks his heart to see him so lost, but what hurts him the most is that he can't do anything to help Taeyong because he, himself is lost as well.

They were both lost souls trying to seek for something. Will they ever find it? Doyoung is not even sure he wants to know the answer.

"Taeyong?" He asks softly, all he wanted to do now is to close the distance between him and Taeyong but he doesn't think he has the right to do that, he doesn't think Taeyong would like that or maybe the distance between them is just too far he doesn't think he can reach him anymore.

"I don't know as well." Doyoung stops the building urge to hold Taeyong's chin and lets him look at him. Earlier, Taeyong’s cold stares throw dagger towards every part of him but now that he is not looking at him ruins him. "I don't know…It just happens…"

"That can't be true." Doyoung accusingly whispers. "What we have is something, it can't just be gone in a blink of an eye, cease to exist Taeyong."

"I thought so too, Doyoung. But I guess what we thought, what we believe all along is not true."

"If anything I am so sure in this world, that's _us_."

_"What do you mean you declined the offer?!" As soon as he let out those words from his mouth, regrets washing over him as he saw Taeyong flinches._

_"You don't have to shout." Taeyong is sitting on the edge of their bed while Doyoung frantically walks in circles in front of him, his fuming and if he doesn't release all this pent up energy he doesn't know what he can say to Taeyong, he does not want to hurt him but he is really frustrated but the last thing he wants to do is hurt the man in front of him now that has made himself smaller and smaller._

_Taeyong naturally has a smaller built than him but looking at him now, he just becomes so small, if that’s even possible._

_"That was your dream Taeyong, how could you let that pass."_

_"I don't want to leave." Taeyong finally looks up at him, tears threatening to fall._

_Doyoung swats in front of Taeyong cupping his face on his hands. "But, you have worked so hard to be where you are right now. That could be a turning point in your career."_

_"Don't think I can survive in there."_

_"I know you're strong and capable of a lot of things."_

_"You're not there."_

_"I will not be there physically but I will always be with you, I will support you."_

_Tears start to stream down Taeyong's face and all Doyoung could do is hug him. It breaks his heart to see Taeyong cry, it always did and will always do._

_"It's okay, baby." Doyoung rubs his back and kisses his temples, which comforts Taeyong. "Whatever you're decision is, I will always support you. If you think this is the best for you then, I'll support you."_

_"I'm so sorry."_

_"You don't have to say sorry," Years of being together but Taeyong still couldn't understand how he should not say sorry for the decisions he makes even though Doyoung always reminds him of it. "I told you, all your decisions are valid, as long as it makes you happy and you think that's good for you, then do it. You don't owe anyone any apology for doing what you think is good for you."_

_"Thank you." Taeyong whispers in Doyoung's ears._

_Being with Taeyong has also thought him one thing, Taeyong is not someone who easily gets down and gives up. He’s a fighter, he would cry, but never gives up. The opportunity that was laid out in front of him is too good for him to decline, Doyoung has thought, but never really questioned Taeyong more about it. As always and as promised, respecting Taeyong’s choice._

"Every day I wake up questioning if my decisions were right." Taeyong broke the silence. "As soon as I open my eyes, I asked was it worth it? Did I ruin my future?"

"Taeyong." Doyoung cuts in but Taeyong hushes him, asking for him to not interrupt him.

"Trust me, I tried so hard." Taeyong's voice is quivering but no tears this time, Doyoung knew Taeyong has goals tonight. "To reason, to pretend that it was right for the longest time but I cannot do it anymore. I just can't act like everything is fine when in fact it was anything but fine."

"Is that the internship for London?" They're both are whispering as if not saying it loud enough could cover the pain. “You’re talking about?”

"I know it was my decision and I'm the only one to blame here."

"Taeyong, I've never wanted to stop you from achieving your goals, if anything else I want to help you achieve your goal. I have never wanted to pin you down, I wanted to be right beside you."

"I know it was my choice Doyoung, that's why I'm scared. I'm scared that if I don't leave you I would ruin my future, it's scary how I can turn my back to my passion for you."

"But why didn't you tell me?" Doyoung fights back the tears threatening to fall. "You could have told me that."

"I was scared." Is all Taeyong could answer.

Why would Taeyong feel that way? Doyoung does not understand, he tries to remember a moment, any moment when he has let Taeyong felt that telling him something should be scary. All along, he has thought their relationship is honest and that they can tell each other anything but he’s not sure anymore. The line between how he thought their relationship was and how their relationship was, a little blurry to him now.

"You can achieve your goal with me, you can pursue your passion, I will always support you." He cannot believe what he is hearing, all this time he thought everything was okay, Taeyong is okay, but he's not and everything is breaking him apart. The worst part is Doyoung did not notice it, he was not with him during this time. "We're each other's future."

"I don't trust myself." Looking at Taeyong now, he realizes it was the most vulnerable he saw him for months, and he was not able to think about it until now.

"Then trust me instead?" Doyoung knows he can't change Taeyong's decision now, but there’s this tiny spark of hope inside him urging him to try, so he pleaded. "Please?"

"I was falling deeper and deeper into the darkness I was afraid I would wake up one day not knowing who I really am, and I do not want to live a life blaming you of this misery I have put myself into. I do not want to live life getting angry with you Doyoung."

"But I can't live life without you." Doyoung felt empty. He expects to feel a lot of emotion but he's not. A hollow blackhole exists inside him.

"If not now, when will we stop pretending that everything is okay?" Doyoung does not know the answer. All Doyoung could think is how much he wanted to embrace Taeyong and pretend this conversation is just a dream. He would wake up with Taeyong beside him, smiling, a genuine one. "Everything is making the both of us unhappy in the long-run. We both deserve to be happy."

Doyoung doesn't think he can be happy again if Taeyong is not part of his life anymore but one thing Doyoung agrees with is that Taeyong deserves to be happy. He can live miserably but Taeyong should not.

Talking to Taeyong now, Doyoung has realized that he has changed. He saw the determination in his eyes and he saw how sure Taeyong is his decisions now. He is happy about how Taeyong overcomes his insecurities, Doyoung could not deny it, but it hurts him how Taeyong is so sure for something Doyoung knew he is not part of, it breaks him.

"You're right." He chokes out every word, breaking the silence they have let settled between them for a long time. "You deserve to be happy Taeyong." He gathers all the energy he still has and musters to smile.

Doyoung has invested too much in this, with Taeyong, and an idea of a lifetime with Taeyong, that when what he holds dearly falls apart, he felt his whole life falls apart as well. Shattering into pieces, impossible to fix. He stands still in their living room, darkness engulfing him.

Everything was a blur he remembers Taeyong going inside their room and when he comes back out he has his two pieces of luggage in hand.

He watches as Taeyong walks towards their door. This time, unlike any other time that Doyoung saw his walk out of that door, Taeyong would not walk in with his beautiful smile again. No more Taeyong to make this apartment a home.

"Taeyong." Doyoung could not stop it anymore and his tears start falling against his will. "Can't we really fix it? At least try to?"

Without looking back at him Taeyong answers, "And for what Doyoung? For us to suffer more than what we are now?"

He tries to answer but words failed him and to be fair he doesn't know what to answer as well. Is suffering the only thing they'll get if they try? What about the positive ones?

What if they try and find out that it can actually be mended?

What if they'll be able to meet halfway again just like the way they used to before?

What if they find the happiness and comfort they have felt with each other's arms just like the way they used to before?

What if giving up on what they have is not the solution?

Taeyong knowing that he would not reply continues what he was doing before Doyoung spoke, he took the remaining steps towards their door, finality, and determination screaming on each step he takes. Doyoung closes his eyes as if that could stop the reality of Taeyong leaving, as if not looking at Taeyong as he closes the doors would lessen the pain.

It’s scary and uncertain, the future ahead of him knowing he will be alone to take that path. Is he even ready to face it? Doyoung’s feet give up and the cold tiled floor welcomes him.

The sound as Taeyong closes the door rung unto Doyoung's ears spreading to every nerve on his body along with Taeyong's word.

_"I can't imagine life without you."_

_"You don't have you."_

But he needs to, now, for both him and Taeyong.

_To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go._

**_Mary Oliver_ **

**Author's Note:**

> i had enjoyed writing this fic so much and i hope you enjoyed reading it too!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading and i would really appreciate it if you could comment on anything you feel about this fic.
> 
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